My Dark Vanessa

Title – My Dark Vanessa

Author –  Kate Elizabeth Russell

Genre –  Psychological Fiction

Spoiler – None

Rating – 5/5

Oh god, what a horrifying read. The only way I can begin this review is by saying that throughout the book, drinking one page after the other, I spit out the word ‘pedophile’ with every breath.

Gist – This is a story about a smart yet naïve 15-year old girl, Vanessa, and the psychological dynamics of the relationship she had with her 42-year old teacher.

Where do I start. This book is a dark dark read. I was left feeling uneasy and angry by the time I finished and I wanted to sit and cry in a corner, but the tears wouldn’t come. I can explain this bothersome by saying that I was stuck between feeling things and did not have a way out of any emotion. The book talks about the culture of victimhood and how guilty we, as women, are made to feel when we become victims. The old dude’s (Strane) comment about victimhood made my blood boil and revealed the deep layers of manipulation and self-rationalization behind his oh-so lovely heart.

So when a woman chooses victimhood, she is therefore freed from personal responsibility, which then compels others to take care of her, which is why once a woman chooses victimhood, she will continue to choose it again and again.

Strane honestly manipulated me into an oblivious state (until I had to peel away from the MC and read his patterns from an objective view), so what does it say about him when a 15-year old convinces herself that he is the way he is because of her, self-blames and thinks that her existence broke him into shreds. Strane’s personality is terrifying in the sense of his self-justification and playing victim to the point that he denies abusing at all. She refers to this song called Criminal by Fiona Apple and the lyrics are a blueprint of Vanessa’s thought pattern.

I’ve been a bad, bad girl
I’ve been careless with a delicate man
And it’s a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can, Don’t you tell me to deny it
I’ve done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins
I’ve come to you cause I need guidance to be true
And I just don’t know where I can begin

It is a book that unveils layers of trauma and abuse in a young girl’s life. I loved the pace of the book and how the author transforms the horrific story into a startling beauty. This is a cruel book about abuse that is mistaken for love. It is a history of abuse, that Vanessa only knew as love. I recommend this book to everyone; it is a very important read, however, read it only when you’re in the right mental space to take in 400 pages of cruelty.

On a final note, here is a reddit comment I found that perfectly sums up why a relationship between an adult and a minor isn’t a love story, but a story of psychological and emotional trauma.

Happy reading!